No Longer the Muck

This past weekend I visited our local gallery, Studio Hill to view the new solo show by artist Theresa Bates. A week or so earlier, I had stopped in, saw her work and was immediately attracted to her use of color. Placed casually among the painted canvases were a few stuffed pillows. I gingerly lifted the tag of one pillow to view the price—assuming it to be , as most art is, out of my price range.

$20. I checked with the owner, Nadine. Yup. $20. The colorful pillow, with its central design reminding me of a dill pickle, now graces my summer bedspread. (Also bought in Woodbury, by the way, at the vintage shop, Adorn.)

I introduced myself to the artist, telling her I had purchased the “dill pickle” pillow. She laughed and smiled warmly, then I moved on to allow her to speak to other patrons.

“What a beautiful necklace,” remarked the next guest.

“It’s a lotus blossom,” replied Theresa. My ears perked up and my mind flew back about 20 years, to that day my eldest daughter got her first tattoo.

“It’s a lotus blossom,” said Caitlin, lifting her shirt to expose the small of her back.

I said something like, “Oh? How did you come to choose that.?”

“Lotus blossoms represent strength and resilience.” Okay maybe she didn’t say those exact words, but, geez, it was 20 years ago. But she definitely next said, “Lotus blossoms are beauty that comes from muck.”

Was I the muck?

I honestly don’t remember what I said to her in response. Even in the moment, I knew she didn’t mean I was the muck she arose from; that she was referring to moving forward, to rising above adversity and difficulties, to becoming her own person.

But, it struck a nerve. No matter what success I had, I always felt undeserving; that I really was “the muck.” I spent my entire life, brushing off compliments and praise—one self-deprecating comment after another.

“It’s about transformation.” Theresa’s words brought me back to the present. “This series, the “Power of Being Still” is about resilience.” Resilience she experienced during what she called “The Year of Transformation.”

Suddenly, my usual self—rarely given to self-reflection and deep thought—experienced a revelation. Transformation.

Exactly what I have been experiencing this past year. From occasional blogger to published author. From imposter to writer.

Theresa spoke about the messiness of life. How the fabric tears and the threads unravel. I’m the person who always needed to do the mending; who tried to make sure the fabric (of the family, of the classroom, etc.) didn’t completely disintegrate. And in that process, I lost myself. Or, to be more accurate, I never took the time to figure out who I was.

I’m doing that now.

I am embracing my new life as an author. I don’t know where the road will take me, and it’s certainly more work than I thought. Still, what the heck? I’m ready for the challenges and surprises ahead. So here’s to the ongoing journey of self-discovery and transformation.

Have you experienced a transformation lately? I’d love to hear your story. Share in the comments below!